Behavior Tools: Toddler Aggression

Toddlers have little bodies and BIG emotions, that they don't know how to manage yet. 

That can make for a pretty dynamic combination. 

They are beginning to assert their independence, while needing attention and love to validate their sense of self. They are learning new things and growing at such a rapid rate, that sometimes we might assume that they "know better" when it comes to behavior. 

Yet, in any given moment, even if you have told them not to, they can explode into behaviors that are outwardly aggressive. Temper tantrums, hitting, biting, throwing, kicking...these are all things that can hurt other people and really drain parents and care-takers. 

Such behaviors usually stem from an inability to cope with and control the big emotions they are feeling- positive or negative. And although they may know that you get upset when they do something like that, developmentally they do not have the impulse control or the ability to truly understand how their actions can hurt and affect others.  

Helping toddlers to learn to manage their emotions and control their body's response takes time, patience, and consistency. There are a lot of great ideas and strategies explored in the articles I've included at the end of this post. I'm going to offer some general guidelines. 

Respond calmly

How we react to situations of stress and anger gives them a model of what to do. If we respond with yelling and violence, then they will learn those behaviors. A big reaction also gives them a lot of attention, which need may have been why they acted out in the first place. That attention supports the negative behavior. Responding in a calm, but firm way shows that we can handle our emotions and they can too.

Redirection and Natural Consequences

Have a plan for how you will redirect them after an incident, and what natural consequences can help them to learn. Consistency is the key here, as repetition helps them to learn new skills and builds their trust in your guidance and direction. A natural consequence can be as simple as removing the child from a situation or losing a toy for a few minutes. They don't need to be big to make a difference. 

Short and Sweet

It is important for children to learn why behaviors are not appropriate, but toddlers will not respond to a long lecture- especially in that moment when they are consumed by their feelings. (Are you very receptive to instruction and correction when you are upset about something?) Consistently using the same, short statement in response to a behavior, with a consequence, can be effective and powerful. 

Teaching Time

Giving toddlers a chance to learn about behavior and feelings can go a long way as they grow and develop. Remember, the time to teach these things is not during or immediately after a big emotional outburst. Pretend play is one of the most important ways that children explore feelings and social situations. This can be a great opportunity to model how to identify and react to your emotions. Age appropriate literature can also offer a backdrop for learning about these things. 

Keep it Positive
Toddlers live in a world of "no" and "don't." Making an effort to notice positive behavior, and to focus on what they can and should do will help make the world seem a little less restrictive and frustrating. It will also reinforce their learning of positive skills and behaviors. They are also at a tender stage of development because they are learning to feel either shame or confidence for who they are. If there is no love and positive direction to counteract the negative, then they will only learn to feel shame. But as we respond to them with patience and consistency, helping them to learn the boundaries through consequences, teaching, and positive support, their foundation of self-worth will be much more confident.


Resources:
Hitting, Biting, and Pushing? from Practical Parenting
Aggressive Toddler Behavior: What to Do from What to Expect
Understanding and Responding to Children Who Bite from NAEYC for Families
6 Peaceful Solutions for Hitting and Anger from Simple Kids
Toddlers and Challenging Behavior from Zero to Three
Helping Young Children Channel Their Aggression from Zero to Three

P.S. I recently stumbled upon this blog that gives a more humorous perspective on the life of a toddler. Enjoy! :)


Behavior Tools is a series about understanding and managing behavior with young children. The more we understand children and their behavior, the better we are able to teach them how to make good choices and build a solid foundation of self worth and confidence. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to helping a child learn appropriate behavior, which is why we need a lot of different tools and strategies to draw upon when we work with young children. 

I Can!

One of my favorite things to focus on in my classroom is helping kids to think more positively about themselves and their abilities.

I get so sad when I hear kids say "I can't do it."
And sadly, I hear negativity like that all too often.

One way that I talk about this with my students is through using learning goals. Although most have been to preschool, Kindergartners are experiencing a more structured school environment for the first time. As such, part of my job is to teach them how to learn and be a student in that environment. I use 5 "I Can" statements that are a part of what I call "High-Five Learning."  To be High-Five Learners in my classroom, we work on these things:

1. I can try hard things.

2. I can stick to my work.

3. I can make mistakes count.

4. I can help others. 

5. I can celebrate my learning.

I like to use I Can language with rules and other objectives as well to help replace negative thinking with an I Can attitude.

I love using literature to show them examples of developing an I Can attitude. 

This book, Bobbie Dazzler, is one of my favorites. We read this book at the end of the year, and then made I Can books as a way to celebrate our learning, and ourselves!

The results were so great. 

As a new year is fast approaching, I'm reminding myself to have an I Can attitude as I think about everything I need to do and accomplish. I'm looking forward to another great year of learning wonders!

Friendship Art

While some young children may find it easy to make friends, most are still learning and developing the necessary sills to interact in a positive, social way with their peers. I did a small unit on friendship at the beginning of the year with my Kindergarten class, but felt like the season of Valentines was a good time to bring the subject back up again in more depth.

I definitely feel that teaching and modeling social skills is an important part of my job, as doing so will help them to be more successful students and allow my classroom to continue to be the safe, happy community that I want it to be. My hope is that every student feels a sense of safety and belonging at school, and helping everybody to develop positive friendship skills is one way to encourage that environment.

One of my favorite friendship activities is friendship art. It coincides perfectly with reading this book, which also happens to be a part of our language arts program. Each table group gets one piece of paper, and they work together to create a picture. The rules are that everyone can contribute something that they like to the drawing, but they need to use their own space in the picture to do it. We also talked about the possibility of working together to make a drawing (one person does the tree trunk and the other person draws the leaves) and we decided that it was not nice to make fun of someone else's contribution to the picture.

Each picture turned out differently, and each group worked together in different ways. It also turned out to be a great teaching moment for some of the students who had difficulty sharing the space and getting along during the process. :) All in all, it was a successful activity and every group was excited to share their creation with the class.

 More friendship ideas and activities to come!

P.S. We had a fun Valentine's Day Celebration yesterday. I came away with so many yummy treats and cute Valentines. I felt spoiled!

I loved some of the creative ideas--- a couple favorites were Rolos wrapped up like dynamite for "You're the Bomb" and a bunch of glue sticks for "You're the glue that keeps our class together!"

Sharing with Toddlers

I have two adorable nephews who are in the toddler stage of development right now. It is really fun to be a part of this time of exciting growth and change, especially as an aunt who doesn't have to worry about the parenting side of things. The other day I witnessed something classic. My husband was playing with one of our nephews-- I'll call him Nephew--and was teasing him a little bit with a toy. At first, Nephew was all smiles, but very quickly that happy toddler went from "this is a fun game" mode to "you have my toy and I want it back now" mode, which in turn led to a small, toddler tantrum. My husband later remarked to me how Nephew used to like playing little games like that, and it's interesting how that has changed. It made me think of a handout I got in college called the Toddler Property Laws. They are as follows:

Toddler Property Laws

If I like it, it's mine.

If it's in my hand, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

If I saw it first, it's mine.

If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 

If it's broken, it's yours.

It sort of reminds me of this...

Not exactly a "sharing is caring" sort of mentality...but that feeling of ownership and possessiveness is all part of the process of healthy development as toddlers begin to form their own identity and assert their independence. Although teaching children to share with others is good and important, at this age it is not realistic to expect them to be able to do it fully...or for very long...or even at all. Their ability to share will come later, but for now it's okay for them to hold the world in their hands and believe that it's all theirs. In doing so they are building an understanding of themselves in relation to everything around them- and that is a foundation they will build upon for the rest of their lives. Years down the road as that understanding is built with confidence and security, they will be able to separate themselves from tangible objects, and sharing will be easier for them to handle...most of the time. :)

Puppet Play

Playing with puppets is a great form of dramatic play, where kids can act out stories or social situations. It can be a great way to promote the development of social and emotional skills, as social interactions can be modeled by adults using puppets, and the kids can then use them to practice those social skills or to express and work through different emotions. I feel they are a valuable part of the classroom.

(these puppets found on amazon.com)

As such, I attempted to make this hanging puppet theater for my classroom. My grandma has this one hanging in a doorway using a curtain rod, and the grandkids love it. I am not much of a seamstress, but my aunts and sister were willing to make it with me and we thought we could figure it out together.

It turned out to be a much bigger project than anticipated, but we were all really happy with the end result. I am going to make a stand out of PVC pipe to hang mine on, since there aren't really any usable doorways in my classroom. 

My aunt and sister getting ready to sew.

The (almost) finished project. I still need to sew on some velcro and ribbon so that the curtains will stay open during the show. :)

If I were really talented, I would be the kind of blogger to post the patterns and step-by-step instructions for how to make one yourself. But, we didn't have a pattern and we just kind of figured it out as we went along. Maybe it will inspire you to find or create something similar!

Happy Puppet Play!