Behavior Tools: Motivators Part 1

Developing impulse control and patience can be difficult for young children. When they want something, they usually want it NOW. That is definitely something to keep in mind when working with kids, because most often the kids who struggle with appropriate behavior are especially impulsive, and have difficulty delaying gratification.  Just think about how hard it is for these kids to wait before eating a marshmallow...

The kids in this video were motivated by the promise of receiving a second marshmallow, if they waited to eat the first one. Most kids were successful, some faltered a little bit, and one or two simply could not wait at all. In the same way, a classroom full of students will have similar dynamics: most of them have the basic skills that they need to behave successfully, even if they might make mistakes every once in awhile. But there will always be a small percentage of kids who need additional behavior support, and one reason for that might be exactly what is illustrated in this video: some kids can't wait and control their impulses.

This knowledge should guide the way that we implement positive reinforcement, motivators, and rewards with young children, especially in a classroom. For the majority of a class, working to earn a big class reward over a period of time will be mostly effective. But that kind of motivator doesn't work for that small percentage of kids that need more behavioral support- the delay of gratification is too long and therefore their motivation to control their impulses for such a reward is very small.

Although it can be a bit time consuming in a classroom, these students can greatly benefit from personalized motivators or interventions that have shorter intervals with small rewards that eventually build up to a big reward. Next time, I will share some motivation ideas that I am trying in my classroom this year that exemplify this concept. (I am looking at this idea from a classroom standpoint, but this idea can also be applied to helping an individual child at home!)

Behavior Tools is a series about understanding and managing behavior with young children. The more we understand children and their behavior, the better we are able to teach them how to make good choices and build a solid foundation of self worth and confidence. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to helping a child learn appropriate behavior, which is why we need a lot of different tools and strategies to draw upon when we work with young children. 

Behavior Tools: Toddler Aggression

Toddlers have little bodies and BIG emotions, that they don't know how to manage yet. 

That can make for a pretty dynamic combination. 

They are beginning to assert their independence, while needing attention and love to validate their sense of self. They are learning new things and growing at such a rapid rate, that sometimes we might assume that they "know better" when it comes to behavior. 

Yet, in any given moment, even if you have told them not to, they can explode into behaviors that are outwardly aggressive. Temper tantrums, hitting, biting, throwing, kicking...these are all things that can hurt other people and really drain parents and care-takers. 

Such behaviors usually stem from an inability to cope with and control the big emotions they are feeling- positive or negative. And although they may know that you get upset when they do something like that, developmentally they do not have the impulse control or the ability to truly understand how their actions can hurt and affect others.  

Helping toddlers to learn to manage their emotions and control their body's response takes time, patience, and consistency. There are a lot of great ideas and strategies explored in the articles I've included at the end of this post. I'm going to offer some general guidelines. 

Respond calmly

How we react to situations of stress and anger gives them a model of what to do. If we respond with yelling and violence, then they will learn those behaviors. A big reaction also gives them a lot of attention, which need may have been why they acted out in the first place. That attention supports the negative behavior. Responding in a calm, but firm way shows that we can handle our emotions and they can too.

Redirection and Natural Consequences

Have a plan for how you will redirect them after an incident, and what natural consequences can help them to learn. Consistency is the key here, as repetition helps them to learn new skills and builds their trust in your guidance and direction. A natural consequence can be as simple as removing the child from a situation or losing a toy for a few minutes. They don't need to be big to make a difference. 

Short and Sweet

It is important for children to learn why behaviors are not appropriate, but toddlers will not respond to a long lecture- especially in that moment when they are consumed by their feelings. (Are you very receptive to instruction and correction when you are upset about something?) Consistently using the same, short statement in response to a behavior, with a consequence, can be effective and powerful. 

Teaching Time

Giving toddlers a chance to learn about behavior and feelings can go a long way as they grow and develop. Remember, the time to teach these things is not during or immediately after a big emotional outburst. Pretend play is one of the most important ways that children explore feelings and social situations. This can be a great opportunity to model how to identify and react to your emotions. Age appropriate literature can also offer a backdrop for learning about these things. 

Keep it Positive
Toddlers live in a world of "no" and "don't." Making an effort to notice positive behavior, and to focus on what they can and should do will help make the world seem a little less restrictive and frustrating. It will also reinforce their learning of positive skills and behaviors. They are also at a tender stage of development because they are learning to feel either shame or confidence for who they are. If there is no love and positive direction to counteract the negative, then they will only learn to feel shame. But as we respond to them with patience and consistency, helping them to learn the boundaries through consequences, teaching, and positive support, their foundation of self-worth will be much more confident.


Resources:
Hitting, Biting, and Pushing? from Practical Parenting
Aggressive Toddler Behavior: What to Do from What to Expect
Understanding and Responding to Children Who Bite from NAEYC for Families
6 Peaceful Solutions for Hitting and Anger from Simple Kids
Toddlers and Challenging Behavior from Zero to Three
Helping Young Children Channel Their Aggression from Zero to Three

P.S. I recently stumbled upon this blog that gives a more humorous perspective on the life of a toddler. Enjoy! :)


Behavior Tools is a series about understanding and managing behavior with young children. The more we understand children and their behavior, the better we are able to teach them how to make good choices and build a solid foundation of self worth and confidence. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to helping a child learn appropriate behavior, which is why we need a lot of different tools and strategies to draw upon when we work with young children. 

Behavior Tools: Understanding Behavior

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines behavior as "the manner of conducting oneself."

Simply put, behavior is what we say or do in any given situation. 

And what we do or say is always influenced by something else. We do what we do for a reason. 

Think about that for a second. Everything we do or say, we do for a reason. 

Sometimes those reasons are obvious...

I eat because I'm hungry. 

I tie my shoe so it won't fall off when I'm walking.

I wear a jacket so I won't get as cold.

Sometimes those reasons are not as clear...like when we say something mean to a friend when we are feeling hurt or angry or defensive. 

The point is, there is always something behind the way we choose to behave, and that is just as true for kids as it is for adults. 

Understanding the why behind a child's behavior can help us to behave more appropriately in response. The why or function of a behavior can typically be generalized into two categories. We do things because we want to obtain something tangible (i.e. attention, validation, item) or we do it to avoid or escape something (i.e. avoid shame, attention, punishment, etc.)

As adults, we have had a lot of experience and practice with behaving in certain ways to either get what we want or avoid things we don't want. Even still, we make mistakes and don't always make the best choice.

The thing with kids is that they haven't had those years of experience and practice to always know what the best choice of behavior is in any given situation. As such, they are constantly trying out different behaviors to see what works and what doesn't. If a behavior gets the result they are looking for, then they are very likely to continue using that behavior to get what they want- even if it is considered inappropriate by adult standards. 

That's where the importance of teaching comes in. We can't expect kids just to know how best to behave- even if we've told them or punished them for a certain undesirable behavior. So often I hear the phrase: "They know better." I'm sure I've even used this phrase before. But the truth is, if they are still using a negative behavior to get what they want, then they really don't know better. And that's probably because we haven't given them the right kind of teaching and practice to learn a better behavior. 

For me, understanding the why of behavior helps me to be more patient with teaching appropriate behavior. When I understand that B (for a boy) is really shy and gets anxiety in whole group situations, I recognize that his behaviors of laying down on the rug and poking other kids is a way for him to escape the anxiety that he feels. Perhaps then, instead of being offended that he is not paying attention to my lesson and constantly nagging him to sit up and keep his hands to himself, I can focus on teaching him strategies to participate appropriately and deal with his anxiety, while also doing what I can to make him more comfortable in that situation. It completely changes the way I handle the situation, which is the only thing I have control over anyways. 

Behavior Tools is a series about understanding and managing behavior with young children. The more we understand children and their behavior, the better we are able to teach them how to make good choices and build a solid foundation of self worth and confidence. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to helping a child learn appropriate behavior, which is why we need a lot of different tools and strategies to draw upon when we work with young children. 

Behavior Tools: The Toolbox

Building Your Toolbox

Building positive relationships is the foundation for teaching, and should be applied with every child, regardless of their behavioral abilities. Beyond that, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to teaching appropriate behavior.

That is why you need a behavior toolbox. 

You need to have a lot of different kinds of tools and strategies to use with children, because every child is different, and their needs and abilities will change as they continue to grow. That is one reason that building a positive relationship with kids is so important, because knowing their personality, interests, and needs can help you to decide what tools will be most effective and necessary for them. 

There are basically 3 types of tools that you will need. Just like a hammer serves a different purpose than chainsaw, these tools have different functions but all of them have the goal of helping kids to be successful.

1. Preventative Tools

These are the tools that help to prevent misbehavior. These tools are basically the things that adults have control over, such as environment and scheduling. Most kids will be very responsive to these kinds of strategies. 

2. Supportive Tools

These are the teaching tools. We cannot expect kids just to know how to behave in different settings or how to manage their emotions. We also can't expect that just telling them what to do or punishing them is going to teach them the appropriate behavior. For example, spanking a child may temporarily stop the behavior from occurring, but it does not teach them how to behave correctly. (Spanking also teaches a child to do things out of fear, rather than to do things because it makes them feel good inside...but that is a whole different can of worms.) We need to explicitly teach children how to follow our expectations and give them opportunities to practice being successful within those guidelines. 

3. Corrective Tools

In my opinion, these tools build upon supportive tools because they continue to teach appropriate behavior, while also providing consistent consequences. In the education world, we call these tools interventions, and they are really only necessary for a small percentage of the children we work with. These tools are used in response to consistent misbehavior, after preventative and supportive tools have been put in place. 

Learning about these different kinds of tools was empowering to me as a teacher, because it helped me to realize that while I ultimately have no control over how a student chooses to behave, there are many things that I can control and change to help that child be more successful. I am always anxious to learn more about child behavior and teaching strategies, because it gives me more tools to draw upon as I work in an environment that is often unpredictable due to the diversity of students I encounter. In later posts I will discuss some of the individual strategies that I have found to be successful within these categories.

**One last additional note: As a teacher or a parent, you have to find tools that work for you! This past year, I began the year convinced that I wanted to use a certain strategy, because I watched another teacher use it so successfully. But when I tried to put it into practice, I just could not make it work and it bombed because it did not feel authentic to me. Just like children are going to be more receptive to strategies that fit their needs, we are also going to be more effective with using strategies that fit with our abilities, personalities and belief systems.



Behavior Tools is a series about understanding and managing behavior with young children. The more we understand children and their behavior, the better we are able to teach them how to make good choices and build a solid foundation of self worth and confidence. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to helping a child learn appropriate behavior, which is why we need a lot of different tools and strategies to draw upon when we work with young children. 

Behavior Tools: The Foundation

Building Positive Relationships 

I believe positive relationships are the foundation of teaching. If a child feels safe, respected, and valued, they will be much more receptive to learning than if they feel criticized, fearful, or ashamed. Since behavior is something that can be learned, it makes sense that kids will be more receptive to learning positive behavior in a positive environment. 

For me, building a positive relationship with kids comes down to two big ideas.

• First, it is about making trust and respect a two-way street. In other words, if we want kids to respect us as adults, we need to give them respect in return. When we give them our trust and respect, they feel more empowered to make good choices on their own. Likewise, as we earn their trust and respect, they are more likely to respond to our teaching and correction because they believe in us and what we have to say.
• Second, it is about unconditional care and love. The fact that we care about them or love them should not be dependent upon their behavior, and having a positive relationship helps them to feel secure in that knowledge.   

This may seem like an obvious or simple thing to do with the kids you work with or parent...but sometimes when a certain kid has been "pushing your buttons" all day or is constantly getting into "trouble," it can be really hard to maintain positive interactions with them. And yet, those are the kids who need those positive interactions the most. In fact, the more a kid is misbehaving, the more time and effort should be put into building that relationship with positive experiences and interactions. 

Here are just a few ideas for ways to foster a positive relationship with kids:

1. Make and take opportunities to spend time together during the day, even if it is just for a few minutes. 
2. Learn about their interests, dislikes, family, and feelings. 
3. Use their name when talking to them. 
4. Express happiness to see them and be with them each day.
5. Give sincere compliments about things unique to them.
6. Notice when they are doing positive things, and give them specific feedback. 
7. Give them opportunities to make choices to show your trust and respect for them. 
8. Help them take ownership for their success and accomplishment. (So often I get students who look to me for approval- "Do you like my picture?" and I will turn it back to them by saying "Do you like it? That is what matters most.")  
9. Show empathy and understanding when they make a mistake or have a difficult time before jumping into correcting and teaching. 
10. Always listen carefully and patiently when they try to express their thoughts and feelings to you- especially in situations of misbehavior. Recognize and validate their experiences, even if it doesn't change the consequence or outcome of the situation. 

 Behavior Tools is a series about understanding and managing behavior with young children. The more we understand children and their behavior, the better we are able to teach them how to make good choices and build a solid foundation of self worth and confidence. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to helping a child learn appropriate behavior, which is why we need a lot of different tools and strategies to draw upon when we work with young children.